The Fabulous Wife on the Royal Wedding

From time to time, I yield this space to The Fabulous Wife so she can comment on the really important stuff. She slept in the living room last night so she could get up at 3:45 a.m. and watch Harry and Meghan’s nuptials without disturbing me. (Now that’s love!) The following are her thoughts on what may turn out the last family wedding Queen Elizabeth ever has to suffer through.

As a devoted follower of the Royal Family — no, that’s not true.

As someone with a keen interest in weddings — no, that’s an even bigger lie.

As someone who cannot begin to fathom why the British continue to support that self-indulgent band of demented half-wits they call the royal family — ah, that’s better — I got up at 3:45 to watch Prince Harry marry the American actress.

The only adult attendant was the best man, Prince William. All the others were children. Now, everyone knows you don’t have children in the wedding party. They take attention away from the bride. But maybe that was deliberate, because Meghan wore the most boring dress in the world. Rather, it would be recognized as boring on anyone else. What with this being A Royal Wedding, it was termed “sleek.”

Princes William and Harry wore black uniformish outfits; Harry’s was long, kind of like a dress, and had a Klingon spine up the front.

Prince Consort Philip had hip surgery a couple of weeks ago and looks about 800 years old. After the ceremony, when they were heading to Windsor Castle for the Official Wedding Photographs, one of the talking heads mentioned that they will take the ones with Prince Philip first, because “he gets a bit prickly.” Translation: Prince Philip is a dick.

I don’t think it bodes well for the marriage when everyone laughs when the groom says, “I will.” But honestly, they’re both the children of bitter divorces. How good a marriage do we really think this is going to be?

Also, for the vows, the Archbishop of Canterbury called the prince Harry, not Henry Charles Albert David, nor even Henry. Just Harry. And he called her Meghan, not Rachel Meghan. Is the marriage even legal??

There was an African-American episcopal preacher whose job was to be Not British. He was animated and he recited spirituals, MLK Jr., and Teilhard de Chardin. It was all about love. Zzzzzzzz . . .

Camilla and the Duchess of Cambridge did not approve of the black American minister. But they wore magnificent hats, particularly Camilla. Hers was a round pillow-like thing with pink feathers. To their right, Prince William tried not to giggle.

Meghan is an actress, of course, and a better one than I realized. She sported an approving, gracious, happy smile throughout the hour-long ceremony, not a grit-your-teeth-and-bear-it smile. Color me impressed. (The Prince Consort never smiled at all. Color me amused.)

After the black American minister, a gospel choir in pastel suits and dresses sang Stand by Me. Yes, really. And the throngs outside sang along.

Here’s the real question: Can a British royal get married or buried without Elton John on hand?

After the ceremony, a very talented young cellist played three lovely pieces through which everyone, including the royals, chatted.

All in all, the wedding was a snooze-fest. We should have known it would be from the moment Princess Beatrice arrived wearing what is being called a Fascinator but was essentially a headband. You know, Your Royal Highness Princess Beatrice Elizabeth Mary of York, we depend on your hats. You once wore the Toilet Seat and the Butterfly Explosion!

How could you show up today in a blue headband??

During the Procession from the chapel to the castle, which had to be one of the biggest security nightmares ever, they occasionally showed the newscasters. Only one of them was looking at the camera. All the rest, on every channel, were watching the Procession while taking video with their cell phones. I should mention that every last presenter said that this is the happiest couple EVER. All except Shepard Smith, who is smart and aware and why he stays with Fox is beyond comprehension. Shepard Smith noted that this wedding has helped heal relations between Britain and the US, which have deteriorated since [slightest pause here] the Brexit vote.

You can read the entire wedding service on CNN here.

Former Risk Manager at UC Berkeley, author of four books, ectomorphic introvert.